The Thin Line Between Feeling and Leading: Emotional Decisions vs. Emotional Intelligence

How much of what you're doing right now requires the emotions you're feeling? How much of your next move should include your emotional energy? A good beginning to learning about emotions and when they should reflect in your behavior is asking these questions often. In most cases, a quick pause will get you started. Yes, it's really that simple. Mastering emotions always begins with a quick pause.

But that is certainly only the first step. There is much more involved, and perfection can only be achieved by finding where the universe begins and ends. If you’ve found where that is let me know. In the meantime, as the wiser becomes wiser the challenge remains: How do I make better, in-the-moment decisions regardless of how confused, frustrated, angry, upset, distracted, or even how joyful I feel?

When you are a leader, this becomes the ultimate goal, right? Especially if you struggle with the need to be right! But one disclaimer: The better you get at this, the more attention you will draw. Undoubtedly, people will lose their energy because of your ability to control your own. So, remember this and consider the goal as a leader is to uplift, not to create a mixture of manipulation and control, or it will no longer be emotional intelligence you seek. Beware the dark side.

If you picked up my movie references, you may already understand the power of mind that emotional intelligence can bring. To be "The One" in the Matrix, or "Chosen" to be the next Master Jedi, perhaps you will need to learn a few things on how to make quality decisions with, and without, your emotions.

Objective vs. Subjective

Objective behavior is often used in analytical and straightforward contexts, like when setting a precedent for all in a policy or regulation. Or when saying the sky is blue (don’t overthink that one).

While subjective behavior is common in personal reflections and opinions—opinions that may not come out quite the way you wanted them to. So, consider the difference between these two concepts to better understand what you’re feeling and whether it has been built up from your opinions or from the facts you know and how you need to communicate them.

But more importantly, does what you’re feeling apply to how you should respond, react, or present your facts and/or opinions? Will it truly help to include your emotions and feelings? Or will it distract others from your key point and the direction you are needing to give? Will your emotions create a misunderstanding? Or perhaps will your feelings even distract you from staying focused if not considered properly?

Understand that being objective is used more often in leading by direction, while subjectivity can be more inclined to create an inspiring side of leadership. Remember to cut out the clutter though either way. Keep to the key points and use both methods to your advantage.

When to Engage Your Emotional Intelligence and When to Maintain Objectivity

In a conversation, there are many twists and turns. Even those meetings with key points that are strictly scheduled and measured. During these conversations, there are times to remain hesitant with your emotions, to keep the conversation focused on a KPI or resolution perhaps. Stay objective and focused, not opinionated.

However, there may be instances where you can relate with a specific experience, and this story of yours should either connect the conversation back to the key point or help others connect, understand, and take proper interest. Take heed not to be the person that has a knack for getting people off-topic with your life stories. This will only deplete your credibility during important and/or opportunistic conversations.

All Emotions Are Fleeting

Leadership provides many diverse emotional effects on one's life. But the key opportunity of being a leader is consistently developing your own growth mindset. Learning to become accustomed to the heavy onslaught of misunderstandings, tough conversations, and overall responsibility of the knowledge and results that your team produces. Everything may be going great!

But imagine the effects of your negligence in pushing forward through your steady leadership. The effects may be delayed for a well-rounded, skilled team that keeps pace with environmental demands. But rest assured, one thing never changes…and that’s change. If you are not there as the barrier to interpret and allow change to come and go properly and produce growth for your team, then it will most certainly create a new form of chaos, wave after wave until treading water becomes the new norm.

The suspense I am creating here is not to stress you out. Rather, it's to take this on as a leader that is consistently building upon emotional intelligence in a way that understands the fleeting nature of feelings. Like a bird flying quickly over you in the sky. It’s here, and it’s gone. Unless of course, you hold onto it. Refrain from building your leadership style, or even making your next move based around a passing emotion. Understand and release your emotions just as quickly as they try to take you from focus.

All emotions are fleeting. Even the most desperate and painful feelings can be managed in a way that you are moving forward from them, even if impossible to ever let go entirely. I am not suggesting we all hide from our emotions. The visual here is that these emotions are passing by quickly unless the conscious choice is made to hold them there in place for a while.

The effects of this can be maddening. Sometimes, it may feel awkwardly comforting, or even right to hold these emotions in place and live by them and behave through them. But that is not what they were meant for. It would be as if someone says a phrase as they pass by: “You suck,” and then you play that phrase over so many times in your head, completely distracting your every move. You can’t think, speak, or act and eventually…you suck. Because that’s what you’ve been saying over and again without pause. YESH! That got dark. You don’t suck. I digress.

Just remember that all emotions are fleeting. Allow them 15 seconds of your time and then pause, take a deep breath, and get back in the lead.

When NOT to Feel the Situation Through

There are leadership moments that ensure boundaries are set and expectations are understood. You may be a natural empath, and it may feel as though you should always lead from the heart, but there are times to become objectively involved with your leadership. Emotions can quickly become a vice if given too much focus in critical times. Don’t allow requirements or key points to be diluted by the feelings that arise from either side. Stick to the facts, directives, strategies, policies, goals, and overall need for results when addressing the situations below:

• Critical Decision-Making

• Crisis Management

• Performance Evaluations

• Setting Boundaries

• Handling Difficult Conversations

Stay calm and focused. Stick to the script and work each script out for yourself topic to topic. Make sure you have the "convo-ammo" to stay on course and be understood without expressing your opinions and feelings.

When Feeling the Situation and Showing It Makes Sense

Of course, there are plenty of opportunities to lead with the heart. But again, ensure your emotional intelligence is also being checked and used properly. Remember the questions we asked in the beginning to learn about emotions and when/how they should reflect in your behavior. Make sure to pause and consider how to respond, open a statement, answer a question, or even when giving praise. Be genuine, kind, inspiring, and respectful when:

• Building your Work-Relationship uniquely per individual

• Conflict Resolution

• Motivating & Training

• Celebrating Successes

These lists may certainly grow for your particular environment and work duties. Just remember, study the do’s and don’ts of emotional intelligence to redefine the nature of your interaction with your own inner voice, and the many unique conversations you encounter with others.